It’s been a while since I wrote anything and quite frankly it’s been really hard for me to sit down and express & comprehend my feelings but trying to express my creativity has been on major hold .
I took a step back from Instagram for a while (besides posting stories ) but for the most part There was no posting /no scrolling / & no keeping up with other people’s lives . Truly living in the moment . .
And let me tell you how greattt it felt , I stopped comparing myself stopped worrying if my posts were good enough or if they will be liked enough , I stopped caring , not about who I was following but I stopped caring about the pressure . The pressure to be well liked or to be seen as perfect .. when that’s far from reality .
I struggle everyday with my mental health issues and it’s been HARD. It’s taken such a toll on not Only me but my relationship and with my daughter .
I’ve always struggled with body dysmorphic disorder but i now am always feeling anxious and sad because of it and moving and work stress has just been the cherry on top miss anxious needed to feel big and bad .
So many things on social media trigger my negative thoughts about myself and it got bad .. like so bad I was lashing out at my daughter for no reason just that i was feeling so overwhelmed and irratible with my own thoughts that her tantrums or cries would set me off like a bomb , and hearing her say mamí don’t be mad at me was like a light bulb went off . I’m not mad at her , what am I doing ? I need help ASAP ,
I decided to take the time to step away and get better for myself . It’s definitely a journey that doesn’t end within days and I’m still struggling but I am trying to take it Day by day and that’s all we can really do is move forward and learn along the way .
I feel as though everyone knows just how much Instagram has the ability to make you believe “influencers ” are these people who have their sh*t together 24/7 and who are always positive and happy . But things we don’t remember or take in for consideration is that they may spend countless amount of time altering their pictures to make them seem the most perfect because they get paid to do so , their page is just a highlight reel as they say , because no ones going to post their crappy days or their lowest of the lows .
I’m just saying it’s hard to realte to perfection when your dealing with your own issues and constantly seeing all this fake Perfection , All over the place, Made me want to just vomit lol . It’s so not what I wanna look up to or put out into the universe, and I sure was trying to be like them all ..
I took the time to unfollow so many ppl who were causing my triggers and it’s has helped somewhat but it’s not on them to make me feel good . It’s up to me, and I think that’s what’s scares me or makes me feel anxious because although I want to work hard to better myself I feel so defeated it’s hard to keep going if I don’t see instant progress if that makes sense ?
I really love so many wonderful things that I try to share on my page but like I said before I get sooo anxious and it stops me . & if I do end up posting I will literally stare at it until it makes me want to delete everything . But Don’t get me wrong I am Sooo happy !! But, unfortunately these terrible thoughts won’t go away .
I want y’all to know that if you think you struggle with a mental health issue it’s ok to research it and it’s ok to start accepting it and start healing ! I was definitely in denial that i could ever feel depressed because literally I have a great life , great husband and daughter, family & friends , a job and a roof over my head . So why feel this way I thought ? Am I crazy ? What’s wrong with me?
But don’t beat your self up , we are not crazy !!
Everyone has their own struggles some are just better at hiding it .
I’m here to help you in anyway I can because talking about makes it that more real and that more motivating to get to healing !
Also to those close to me I sincerely apologize if you think I’m distant or shut off , but that’s my way of coping with my anxious feelings that you may not know I’m feeling in that moment .
And when I get complimented in how great of a job I’m doing as a mother or how beautiful I am for the way I deal with things or my creativity those are major little life savers that you may not know I needed to hear because in my mind I was just probably thinking the complete opposite!!
If you think someone is doing a good job at something or you thing they look good or you love their laugh or shoes or hair .. TELL THEM
I can 100% Garuntee that will stay with them all day and make them feel so good even it’s it’s something so small .
What doesn’t help is saying things like “just calm down” or “just go relax you’re fine “or “your so pretty you don’t need to feel that way “.. those words are torture.
But Ok we’ll that’s all I have for now lol till next time ,
stay strong, spread love , stay rad